Have you ever heard someone say “If you only knew what I was thinking…”Many of us are quick to say that we don’t know what another is thinking and later or even in the same breath, we sum up a persons whole life based on one point that we engaged in with them. Most people have a dying need to be right, as right only exists in our created bubble of existence inside our minds, that we give life to as if it was a physical glass of water that when we drink it, we are refreshed and hydrated.

The same goes with all of our creations as well. Now playing across America and the world are seemingly random murders by shooting or stabbing etc., and everyone is pretending to be caring individuals based on who dies in a specific tragedy. What is amazing and fucked up simultaneously, is that people claim that they don’t understand what is going on and how people can do such evil crimes. What we see and hate so much is the reflection of ourselves and the projected anger towards these “EVIL” people because we know we never stood up to investigate the policies in our own countries that we knew were only in place to feed the wealth of the rich while taking from the masses. The USA has implemented many policies and laws that support abuse of certain people such as slavery, banking, credit, interest rates, women not allowed to vote, imminent domain, and the list goes on. We have always had complaints but because we are a “FREE” country, we accepted these policies as the norm and as long as we were comfortable and had a little money, fuck everyone else who got the shit deals of the system.  When we allow ourselves to participate in a system that does not support everyone equally, we are not understanding that what is allowed to harm one, is allowed to harm all including self. These atrocities that we are facing is the result of all of us allowing this system to exist and closing our eyes to it to not see, and turning our heads and covering our ears to not hear, and moving to the quietest places we could find to not have to engage what we know is fucked up in hope that it will disappear from our personal reality and world. Everything we have tried to avoid, ignore, sweep away, condemn, judge, and what we “FEAR” is quickly making haste to visit us! We will either all eventually enjoy a system that supports every living thing equally, or we will all eventually despise a system that we all suffer within.

12/21/2012???? What the fuck about it? Does it mark the date when humanity will wake the fuck up and stop the bullshit with how we treat each other, to creating a new world where all have the freedom to live and express life equally without “FEAR”?… Or does it mark the date when humanity has crossed the point of no return to only plunge to the utter depths of insanity, hate, fear, and abuse? We choose!



Whenever we have a chance to sit and consider what is going on in our surroundings and within ourselves, if we look honestly, we will see the inconsistencies and fluctuations in our life experience. I understand things change all the time but from the perspective of my experience of myself is what I am referring to. Of all the thoughts and memories that float in our heads daily, which ones do we grab and get personal with? Am I realizing when I pick out a thought to run with it? Do I know how many times a day that I do this shit? I can be so deep into a self created fantasy or backchat that I lose myself in it before I realize I am lost in my mind. How many realities have I created in the space of time that I existed completely within the mind. To become aware of when and what we create would assist us to understand how the mind works. Once we are aware of how the mind works, we can direct ourselves within the principle of “Do unto others as you would have done to you”, which would become what is best for all.

What is amazing, is that with every plan, every plot, every war, every crusade, every pilgrimage, every retreat, we have only created dimensional shifts and have not changed this physical reality into a place where all have dignity, and live without fear. What on this planet is it going to take for humanity to look at itself and see where we are headed and take responsibility for it! If our gods and sages and gurus have not been able to stop the atrocities over eons of time, who would think they could suddenly do it now! What level of calamity and death and destruction and disease have to arrive to get the attention of those that have the power and resources to change the world. How many realities will be created in our minds before we realize the only relevant reality is being destroyed. Humankind is like a suicidal maniac wanting to prove that he can blow him/herself into many pieces.

Internal Hidden Machine

What makes us tick? Is it a hidden ticker that prompts us to do everything we participate in? Is there some higher power that moves us according to unknown, unseen mysterious, purpose and secret planning? This is the reality for some as they completely accept who they are and their experience as some divine lesson that must be learned through hardship and loss!

I have participated in these things and still do, but I am aware that something has to change and that who I am in this world is where I have started. There is a power in us that runs shit and only because we gave it power over us and it is at the core of every action we take this is not self directed within the principle of what is best for all of us. FEAR is the king of humanity, love is just a symptom of fear… I can feel this fear is the strangest scenarios, even ones that I never really felt fear before! I know fear is expanding inside of me slightly, but I know I have to face it when it becomes so great that I may consider hiding from it! One of my greatest experiences this far was finding a friend of mine dead hanging from her loft, after killing herself… I went and stood where she died everyday for weeks until my fear was not enough to make my heart beat out of my chest… Desteni and these tools help me face my fear and get past that experience in 2009, it was basically one year after my first written self-forgiveness entry 8/26/2008. I see that I will be getting to know mr. FEAR much more personal as I continue in my process!

How I Was Able To Hear The Desteni Message

My life was one of much inner conflict as my parents were old school and my father was militant and did not spare the rod! My mother was into church and it was a big part of life growing up! From being a born again christian at one point, as my depression got the best of me, I dedicated my life to doing the work of god! After that ended a few years later, I was back to not giving a shit about much, angry with the world, ready to fight at any time, I found myself in pure conflict! Being in the army in West Germany, (before wall opened) didn’t help! Belief in god, while feeling horrible inside. Parents now deceased, it is actually just me now and my wife of that time. Years later, I was introduced to spirituality, by a girlfriend (now my ex) and started the CWG books hoping to understand this world and myself. Purchased almost every book Walsch printed up to “Tomorrows God”, thought I had finally found the answers to everything and felt good about it! Then a friend gave my girlfriend a dvd called “The Secret”, and it was the original production first seen on Oprah. I thought it was an addition to all the revelations I received from the “Walsch Chronicles”, and I believed in the LOA to the extent that I bought dvds, made copies and gave them to friends… even left copies in the subway stations going to and from work throughout Manhattan NY because I thought it could actually change someones life! I talked about it at work and watched it myself about fifty times, but I had no proof because my life didn’t actually prove that the “Secret” worked… it was a dream that seemed real!

I always wondered why people starved in this world, and why people could wipe out a community, or drop bombs that destroy thousands of people and animals and even plant life! I wondered why we were poor all the time growing up even though we went to church and gave offerings etc. I wondered why some people were extremely rich and myself and others were poor and barely making ends meet!

To place all this in perspective, I experienced homelessness again in my life in 2007 after not being able to return to my job, so I left my ex in NY and went south. In the fall of 2007, I was in a library watching vids on Pleiadians, wayshowers, and different spiritual/ufo type vids. I saw a vid entitled “UFO’s Fake or Real”. There was this young girl on the video, but she breathed in, then out and said her name was Jack! I just listened to see what was said as I had heard just about any and everything about the unknown, so I thought! I am not sure how I was able to here the Desteni msg after listening to more and more vids from this young girl (Jack), but when the topic of god and demons etc. came up, I was all in! Then self responsibility, self forgiveness, and self honesty, was shared along with breath, and why sugar exists, and many topics. I never would have gotten a youtube acount but it was needed to participate with this group of people, mainly Andrea, Darryl, Sunette, and Bernard at that time but here was something different that I had not heard of before. “The physical is the key”, the mind is illusion. It made common sense even though religion teaches that the physical is not real but the spiritual world is more real! Brainwashing was also very real! There are many events that happened within all this but this is basically how it played out for me!