I have tried to come up with an instance in my life that did not contain a thought, some feelings, a few emotions… I came up empty handed, and I realize that my entire experience up to this point is no more than an energetic movement within myself that I put together with my favorite tools of “self definition”, “beliefs”, “information”, etc… Here is the misunderstanding of what the human experience really is. It have been said that we are alive and breathing proves it… Does breathing prove it? Who is actually breathing? Is it me? Alright I will hold my breath for 2 minutes…
Did 1:01 seconds… so why could I not continue? Well I definitely am not the one breathing, my body actually breathes for me! So what does this say to me… that my existence as who I am is not actually the body but something we call a personALITY. There is nothing HERE that I am equal to so really, I don’t exist, yet! I am currently only experiencing myself as energy, so I breathe as it is the only thing that I see as a bridge to the physical.
I will say in any given day, “I am going to breathe for a while…”, I take a few breaths and the next thing I know, I have backchat about something irrelevant and I have to begin again after self forgiveness from allowing the backchat to go on! I have realized that when I walk, I am able to focus more on breathing and the surroundings. When sitting in a chair or laying in bed, my backchat is much more frequent. Physical movement is important for me to focus on breath and I walk around often for this purpose. It is difficult to imagine having no thoughts or feelings or emotions, but this is all I know of and am equal to at the moment though I sometimes see where it goes and I write out as much of it as I can so I can see myself on paper. It is cool to learn of self once self judgment is faced!
What is it that drives me? Why do I like something? When did I begin to like it? Where does this crap come from? Why can I not stop certain habits?… These are the questions that need actual answers, to know self as what self actually is and not what I pretend to be. This is the part of my process that will never end. My start point must be the same as my end point. I am inspecting my self created city to see where the streets go and where they begin. I know NYC although I didn’t build it, but I built my own city of a personality based on a pre-programmed design, and I don’t know my way around the city that I built myself (personality). This is quite a dilemma, but it is the only city that goes where I go because I am one and equal with it! It is the accumulated allowed and accepted participation in the pre-programmed design of the mind and the systems that exist within and as us as humans.
Sometimes out of nowhere I will begin thinking of a past situation and the people involved may have been someone I had conflict with, and then the movie begins and I am becoming angry and create a scenario in my head where the person is at my mercy as I take revenge. Usually I realize that I am hurting someone in my mind, and I will stop and do self forgiveness and breathe. My point is that the energy becomes intense quickly that my heart begins to beat in my chest and it could easily get out of hand if allowed to continue. This is not acceptable because as I think, I am… I watched the Design of the Wife-Beater video and it gives much support on anger. This is a dangerous thing to play with as it will possess us if we are not willing to deal with the underlying issues causing the anger to become manifest in us! Link to video below!
I participate in different things throughout the day, some being necessary and others are a means to hide from myself. It is quite easy to avoid dealing with points in my life that require attention, but it always comes back in my face as there is no real hiding because, even while dreaming, self is playing out there so no one is in the dream but me. I am working to not judge myself for anything as it creates more layers that have to be walked through. I must remember that my process is a process to deal with the cesspool of a life I have created for myself and everyone else as equal as me!